I'm looking for some advice, I've been with my bf for 6 yrs, I love him more than anything but recently he hasn't seemed interested physically, not initiating anything and saying he's too tired when I try to. Obviously I don't look the same now as when we got together and the other night he said he'd like it if I lost weight, I've had a lot of body issues and have only just started to accept and love myself. It's really hurt me and now it seems like all he values about me is the way I look

Oh lord, I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt because of this. It’s a tricky situation so I’m going to do the best I can to give you some advice and perspective.

Firstly, yes being told you need to lose weight hurts. It doesn’t matter how someone could possibly say it, it’s going to feel like a low blow, especially coming from someone you are intimate with. So here’s the thing - your significant other should never tell you to lose weight for them. It’s selfish, it’s hurtful, and it’s just not nice. On the flipside of this though, it’s another matter when someone is trying to get you to lose weight out of concern. But even when people are doing this in your best interest, it actually just makes you feel shitty, which in turn is going to make it 100x harder to actually work towards a healthy lifestyle. The bottom line? Telling someone to lose weight is counter productive. There are a million ways to encourage healthier living than telling someone that. He should’ve had more tact, more respect, and more concern for your emotional well being.

So where does this leave you? Look, despite him saying this, he still cares about you. A lot of couples go through phases like this, and it’s something you both have to work through. You should tell him though, that this was hurtful. He should encourage you to be the best version of yourself without tearing down your self esteem in the process. You also need to understand though that attraction can’t be controlled, and his lack of interest in sex probably has to do with a lot more than just you gaining some weight. Look at the root causes that go beyond just the surface. You both have needs beyond the physical ones, and you both need to focus on meeting those needs FIRST. 

As for your own health, you seem to acknowledge that you aren’t as healthy as you used to be. And that is completely fine - if you are happy with it. But it doesn’t sound like you are. If you know that you would feel better and more confident if you lost some weight, then do it for yourself. What you think and feel about yourself if always going to matter a lot more than what anyone else thinks. Do what you need to do to improve your overall well being. You can do it, I promise. :)

- Erika

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