breathe. just take a deep breath in through your nose, relax and calm your mind for second & exhale. keep repeating until you’re calm. okay, are we good? great! i am about to share with you something that i’ve never shared with anyone before. this experience is kinda similar to yours (welcome to the club), so i think you’ll be able to extract some wisdom from it. here we go…..
in the 4th grade, my friend introduced me to his little sister, brittany. she was half black/white with beautiful brown curls & a year younger than me. every time i came over to his house, he’d always be playing this nintendo/nes game called yo! noid. now at that time i wasn’t into video games & neither was his sister - so i’d always invite her to go w/ me down to the canyon in the back of our apartments. we’d bring mason jars with us & i’d collect army ants & dump them on top of a red ant mound & watch them clash. she thought it was the coolest thing ever… her brother, not so much. over time, we became inseparable. one day, i decide to pop the question… but before that i needed something to give her. i decide on a pet bumble bee. after catching one, i head to her house & surprise her with w/ a bumblebee on a string. she loves it & we go down to the canyon like always & i ask her to be my girlfriend. she says yes. and i kiss her really fast on the lips to seal the deal. brittany was my first kiss & my first girlfriend. so fast forward to the 5th grade & i meet this girl name angela (hispanic). she was considered the prettiest girl in school. every kid drooled over her, except me. i caught her attention in class b/c i was always getting into trouble with the teachers (sleeping/talking back in class). so one day her friend tells me she likes me & i’m thinking oh crap but i’m with brittany… so i tell one of my friends (not her bro) & he’s like you should go out with her. so i decide to ask her out b/c i knew it would piss off the kids that didn’t like me/my friends (it was a 95%+ mexican elementary school in chula vista & most of the kids didn’t like asians/blacks/whites/filipinos). she accepts. i learn fast that angela was the total opposite of brittany; she was into new kids on the block & really, really, really into this kid named jonathan brandis (actor from never ending story - rip). the walls in her room were plastered w/ photos of them. she was super duper girly… so one day i take angela down to the canyon with me to catch stink/pill bugs & army ants. she’s immediately grossed out & starts screaming like a howler monkey. on that same day brittany decides to go looking for me. she heads down to the canyon & spots me with angela (i hate this part). she runs up to us and she’s like ‘that’s my boyfriend!’ and angela looks at me & she’s like ‘he asked me out.’ at this point it was a fucking blur… all i remember was brittany turning around and running and crying and screaming. here’s the worst part……… i never apologized to brittany, ever. in fact, after that incident, i begged my mom for some money so i could buy angela a rose from lucky supermarket (now albertsons) so i could apologize to her. eventually it didn’t work out between us b/c you know… she didn’t like dirt, bugs, being outdoors, water balloons, parachute men, homemade throwing spears, climbing trees/brick walls and a million other things i liked. basically we had nothing in common. brittany & i never spoke again… and after that, i eventually moved away. i never thought about it after that. but, it wasn’t until high school that i discovered her 3rd grade photo in my binder with my michael jordan basket ball cards. i remember looking at her photo & the memory of what happened came back in full hd. it was like it happened yesterday. i felt a huge sense of guilt. i pulled her photo out and put it in my wallet and carried it with me for years. i remember being in my 20’s and hiding that photo in my wallet thinking, ‘holy shit i hope i don’t lose my wallet. if someone finds it and they see this photo they’re gonna think i’m a weirdo or even worse a “p” (you know what i mean) and they’ll arrest me. i was always freaked out. but i carried her pic with me anyways b/c i was hoping that one day i could meet her again and apologize to her. that never happened - and instead, her photo became a reminder to never play with a woman’s heart or waste her time again. it’s been many, many years since that incident and i still think about it… i think about how the experience must have wrecked/ruined her life. about how she probably doesn’t trust men anymore. there are many times where i’d meet someone really pretty/hot and i just wanna date them (b/c of her looks) but i remember back to 5th grade and i think you know… they’re not my type and i’m not gonna waste their/my time. so that one experience saved me (and others) many, many years of heartache. i don’t rush into a relationship anymore. i take them all very, very slow… have you ever walked by a store and looked inside the window and saw a cool outfit? you’re like “i want that!” but you know it’s too expensive and you’d have to suffer many, many hours or days at work just to be able to afford it. it’s like we always want every shiny and pretty object that passes us. sometimes we just have to keep walking because that shit wasn’t meant for us. that’s what i learned from that experience. i don’t know what happened to her… i don’t know if she hates life or if that experience was a gift for her. but i do know this… that experience was one of the important lessons of my life. i wouldn’t be the man i am today if it wasn’t for it. maybe you’ll be able to derive much value from your experience as i have mine. maybe down the road… you won’t rush into relationship b/c you’re desperate, maybe you’ll choose your words and actions more carefully, maybe you’ll become a much compassionate human being (we need more of those), maybe you gave him the greatest gift of his life… but he doesn’t know it yet. like you, i shattered brittany at the time… but i hope either she, or someone else, was able to put her back together. you know those beautiful vintage stained-glass tiffany lamps? i hope that’s what she became. maybe he’ll become one too… only time will tell. ~rob
p.s. forgive yourself. that’s how you heal. and you need time. lots and lots of time. be patient with yourself.
pps. brittany, if you’re reading this… i’m sorry for what happened. i really am. i hope you found happiness in your life. i hope that experience became a blessing, i know it was for me…
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