i love you. i really do… but not in the way your husband loves you… or the way a man loves his woman. i love you like a child loves his mother… let me kiss you on your forehead, let me wipe the tears from your face, let me sit with you for bit. please hold my tiny hand… and let me share with you my story of loss.
after i left high school, i got someone pregnant. not wanting to father a child at such a young age - i begged her to have an abortion. we had one. two years later… i ended up impregnating someone else. i knew she wasn’t the one (we were ravers), so i begged her to have an abortion. we had one. i brushed it all under a rug… and moved on. not thinking about it b/c i was too into myself. many years later, my twin brother and i are hanging out with an older friend (she’s in her early 50’s) and she’s sharing this story with us about how she saw a ghost of a teenage girl in her house. i asked her what it meant. she told me how she went to a psychic and the psychic told her that the ghost was her daughter. you see, my friend had lost her child just like you… and when she heard that she started to cry, a lot. it made sense to her b/c her daughter would have been a teenager if she were alive. i was lost for words after that… her story caused me to trip over the rug that i swept everything under - and my past came back to haunt me. i started thinking about my kids. what would they have looked like? i wonder what their voices would’ve sounded like? what would i have named them? i wonder if they would’ve been troublemakers like me? i wish i could’ve given them piggyback rides. i wish i could’ve seen the look on their faces when they got their presents on xmas. i know they would’ve been so beautiful, inside and out. i hate myself. i’m such a bad person. did i really take two lives? i fucked up! i didn’t give something beautiful a chance to grow. i can’t believe myself. we could’ve had them and then given them up for adoption. someone else would have loved them and i could’ve visited them later on when they got older. man… i hope their souls aren’t lost in the abyss. oh god, please… i hope they’re somewhere beautiful. and i started to think… a lot. and started to feel… a lot. i worried about them, about their souls. i would beat myself up all the time. all the time. i had many sleepless nights. this went on for a while. i thought i could party it out of my system. but i couldn’t. so i sat with it… and relived it - over and over and over and over and over. and i finally realized that no matter how much i visited the past, there was nothing i could do. nothing. it was all in my mind. and so i asked my children to forgive me so i could move on. nothing happened. and i kept asking them… but nothing. so i just forgave myself and promised my children that i would love so deeply in this life that when i make it to the next… i would have so much love to give them, that they would cry forever… and that’s my story. i want you to know that i’m no poet. i cannot soothe your soul with beautiful words. but i can carry some of your pain. i know it’s heavy. let me lighten the load for you… so you can breathe a little. i won’t carry all of it though b/c you need to carry some of it. you need some of that pain. it will transform you, i promise. the pain will teach you how to love deeply, how to appreciate others and to never waste a precious moment again. i want you to close your eyes for second… now i want you to imagine your child’s heart beating and stopping. then i want you to imagine your child’s heart becoming a seed - the seed starts sprouting inside of you and your child’s life-force flows out from it… the warm feeling permeating throughout your entire body. can you see that? can you feel that? the blood coursing through your veins is your child’s life-force. your child is now a part of you. you both are one. you will never be alone b/c your child is with you all the time now. i want you to care for and nurture your child… because when the time comes to have another. i know you shower them with all the love in the world. i want you to remember this: sometimes a painful experience can give birth to a beautiful life. you know… i could never ever understand what it’s like to lose a child like you. but i do feel your pain. and so let me comfort you with four simple words: i love you both. i really do… but not in the way your husband loves you… or the way a man loves his woman. i love you both like a child loves his mother… let me kiss you both on your forehead, let me wipe the tears from both of your faces, let me sit with you two for bit. please hold my tiny hands… ~rob
p.s. you are a gentle soul.
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